Emotional Regulation: What Does It Really Mean?

Emotional Regulation: What Does It Really Mean? 

When people hear the phrase emotional regulation, they often imagine someone becoming calm, composed, and emotionally controlled. Parents may tell children to “calm down.” Adults criticize themselves for feeling overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, angry or reactive. Social media often reinforces the idea that emotional health means being peaceful all the time or never feeling negative emotions. 

But emotional regulation is not simply about calming down.

Emotional regulation is the ability to understand, tolerate, respond to, and move through emotions effectively — even when those emotions are uncomfortable or intense.

This distinction matters because many people struggle not with having emotions, but with believing they shouldn’t have them, or should be able to dismiss emotions with rationality. 

What Emotional Regulation Actually Means

Emotional regulation refers to the processes we use to:

• recognize emotions, 
• make sense of them, 
• tolerate emotional discomfort, 
• express emotions appropriately, 
• and choose responses that align with our values and goals. 

Healthy regulation does not mean suppressing emotions or never becoming upset. It means being able to experience emotions without becoming completely controlled by them.

For example:

• Feeling anxious before an exam or important meeting is normal. 
• Feeling angry after being hurt by someone is understandable. 
• Feeling sad after loss or disappointment is typical for many people. 

The goal is not to eliminate these emotions but to learn to respond to them in ways that are helpful rather than harmful.

Why “Calm Down” Often Doesn’t Work

Telling someone to “calm down” can sometimes increase distress, especially if the person already feels overwhelmed or misunderstood.

This is because emotions serve important psychological and biological functions. Emotions communicate information about our needs, safety, relationships, and environment. When emotions are dismissed or invalidated, people may begin to:

• judge themselves for emotional reactions,
• suppress emotions,
• avoid difficult experiences, 
• or become more reactive over time.

Research suggests that chronic emotional suppression is associated with increased stress, anxiety, and reduced psychological well-being (Gross, 1998). It is also associated with an increased risk of heart disease and poorer outcomes for those with heart disease (Cheng et. al., 2022).

Many people were never taught how to regulate emotions. Instead, they learned:

• to avoid emotions, 
• distract themselves, 
• “push through”, 
• or feel ashamed of emotional experiences. 

Over time, this can create a cycle where emotions become more intense, unpredictable, or difficult to manage.

Emotional Regulation Is About Flexibility

One of the most important aspects of emotional regulation is psychological flexibility — the ability to stay connected to the present moment and respond intentionally rather than automatically.

This means:

• noticing emotions without immediately reacting, 
• creating space between feeling and action, 
• and choosing responses that support long-term well-being. 

For example:

• Anxiety does not have to determine whether someone avoids a situation. 
• Anger does not have to lead to aggression. 
• Sadness does not mean someone is weak or incapable. 

Emotions influence behaviour, but they do not have to control it.

The Nervous System and Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is not just “mental.” It also involves the nervous system.

When the brain perceives stress or threat, the body can shift into a survival state where logical thinking becomes more difficult because the brain prioritizes safety and protection.

This is why emotional regulation skills often include body-based strategies such as:

• slow breathing, 
• grounding exercises, 
• movement, 
• sleep, 
• nutrition, 
• and sensory regulation. 

These strategies are not about “getting rid” of emotions, they help the nervous system feel safe enough for thoughtful decision-making to return and reduce the likelihood of making quick decisions that can have negative consequences. 

Common Signs of Emotional Dysregulation

Everyone experiences emotional dysregulation at times. Some signs may include:

• impulsive reactions, 
• difficulty calming after conflict, 
• emotional outbursts, 
• shutting down emotionally, 
• avoidance, 
• catastrophizing, 
• rumination, 
• or difficulty tolerating uncertainty. 

Emotional dysregulation can also appear differently across individuals. Some people externalize emotions through anger or conflict, while others internalize distress through anxiety, withdrawal, or self-criticism.

Difficulties with emotional regulation are commonly associated with:

• anxiety disorders, 
• ADHD, 
• trauma, 
• depression, 
• chronic stress, 
• and certain personality disorders. 

Importantly, struggling with emotional regulation does not mean someone is “immature” or “broken.” Often, it reflects learned coping patterns, nervous system overload, or unmet emotional needs. While emotional regulation is associated with these conditions, it is important to note that most adults will experience struggles with emotional regulation at some point. Healthy strategies for coping with these situations are more closely tied to well-being regardless of whether there is a diagnosis (Richard-Sephton et. al., 2024). 

How Therapy Can Help

Several evidence-based therapies can improve emotional regulation skills.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT helps individuals identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns that intensify emotional distress. It can help people recognize:

• catastrophic thinking, 
• black-and-white thinking, 
• self-criticism, 
• and avoidance patterns. 

By changing how situations are interpreted, emotional responses often become more manageable.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT focuses less on eliminating emotions and more on changing the relationship people have with them.

Rather than fighting difficult emotions, ACT encourages:

• acceptance, 
• mindfulness, 
• self-compassion, 
• and values-based action. 

This approach helps individuals learn that uncomfortable emotions can be tolerated without needing to escape or avoid them.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)

DBT was specifically designed to help individuals who experience intense emotional dysregulation.

DBT teaches practical skills related to:

• distress tolerance, 
• mindfulness, 
• interpersonal effectiveness, 
• and emotional regulation. 

Many DBT skills focus on helping people slow down reactions and respond more intentionally.

Emotional Regulation Is a Skill — Not a Personality Trait

Some people appear naturally calm, while others experience emotions more intensely. However, emotional regulation is not simply something people either “have” or “don’t have.”

It is a skill set that can be developed.

Learning emotional regulation often involves:

• increasing emotional awareness, 
• improving self-compassion, 
• understanding triggers, 
• practicing coping skills, 
• and building tolerance for discomfort. 

Like any skill, it takes practice, patience, review, and planning.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is emotional regulation the same as emotional control?

Not exactly. Emotional control often implies suppressing or hiding emotions. Emotional regulation involves understanding emotions and responding to them effectively without being overwhelmed by them.

Why do some people struggle more with emotional regulation?

Many factors can contribute, including temperament, stress, trauma, ADHD, anxiety, childhood experiences, and nervous system sensitivity. Factors such as hunger, poor sleep, and temperature can also contribute. 

Can emotional regulation skills be learned?

Yes. Emotional regulation skills can improve through therapy, mindfulness practices, coping strategies, and increased emotional awareness.

What therapy is best for emotional regulation?

CBT, ACT, and DBT all have strong evidence supporting their effectiveness for emotional regulation difficulties. The best fit depends on the individual and their specific concerns. We’ll work together to find what works best for you. 

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References

Aldao, A., Nolen-Hoeksema, S., & Schweizer, S. (2010). Emotion-regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(2), 217–237. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2009.11.004

Cheng, M., Zhang, R., Wang, M., & Chang, M. (2022). Relationship between cognitive emotion regulation strategies and coronary heart disease: an empirical examination of heart rate variability and coronary stenosis. Psychology & Health, 37(2), 230–245. https://doi.org/10.1080/08870446.2020.1859112

Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.3.271

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2016). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

McRae, K., & Gross, J. J. (2020). Emotion regulation. Emotion, 20(1), 1–9. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000703

Richard-Sephton, P.B., Crisp, D.A. & Burns, R.A. The emotion regulation strategies of flourishing adults. Curr Psychol 43, 12816–12827 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-023-05332-3